Don't Know Anyone Who is Gay? Think Again.

By Tres Adames, MDiv, BCPC

Whenever I teach about LGBTQ issues in faith communities, one comment I hear from time to time is: "We don't have anyone gay who goes to this church," or "I don't know anyone who is gay." I am quick to correct this assertion. 

​According to researchers at Columbia University, the average person knows about 600 people. Based on a Gallup poll in 2017, 4.5% of Americans identify as LGBTQ. By combining these figures, we can assume that the average person knows about 27 people who are LGBTQ. Now, it's very possible that this number will vary based on several factors, but the point is clear. You know several people who are members of the LGBTQ community. Some of them may not be fully out, some may be completely closeted, others may be celibate or repressing their sexuality, and some may even be in mixed-orientation marriages.

4.5% of Americans identify as LGBTQ

On average, a person knows about 27 people who are LGBTQ.

Roughly using these figures, it's easy to see how a small church of 200 may actually have several members who are LGBTQ. Even an extended family of 30-50 people may very well have one or a few LGBTQ family members.

​Why is this important? Because we need to be sensitive about how we talk about the LGBTQ community in the churches we attend, the places we work, and the people we live with.

I have sat in many Sunday School classes and church meetings where the LGBTQ community was spoken about with so much contempt that it made me physically sick to my stomach. Even during the days when I was trying to repress my sexuality, it was hurtful to hear about the community when it was spoken about with so much disparagement. It was these conversations that kept me closeted for years.

"The soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit." —Proverbs 15:4, NIV

Even if you are Christian who believes that homosexuality is wrong, I would hope that as a believer in Christ, you would choose words of kindness over speech that can be deeply hurtful to those who converse with you—you never know who you are taking to. 

Mary Griffith is an LGBTQ ally and advocate who wrote a book called Prayers for Bobby, which is a memoir about how she lost her son to suicide. She was not accepting of him while he was alive and only after he died did she realize the effect her words had on her son. She writes: ​

​“Before you echo 'Amen' in your home or place of worship, think and remember...a child is listening."—Mary Griffith